MY FRIEND MARIA, THE ONE WHO COULD NOT SAY A SINGLE NO

Maria couldn't say no. She was stuck in the trauma cycle of her upbringing, of the critical voices she heard and of the shame and guilt she felt when she tried to change. Maria was a product of the ignorance of what it takes to raise a free and an happy child. Someone who is validated and loved. In her childhood Maria received what her parents received and what their parents received too and so on until the beginning of times: invalidation, and nullification; she was just a recipient where her parents discarded all their guilt and shame they could not feel.

Maria could not say no. She was a lost soul. Long time ago when she was a child she had to choose to abandon and negate herself to receive the attachment needed to survive, to receive a little bit of love, just enough to be able to survive. My sweet sweet friend Maria.

Maria was a victim of unawareness and desperation. In the long term she forgot who she was and became a persona, a facade where from she could face a pseudo life and survive. Maria could not express her needs and wants because she could not feel any. Maria was an empty shell who was acting like God and feeling like Nothingness.

A puppet, used by people who took advantage of her living her life as a victim; Maria was used by predators and she used like a predator from a place of victimhood. But she was not at fault, she was just unaware.

Maria could not say no. By saying yes she manipulated people and used them over and over again just to feel good about herself and to feel loved. Every time Maria said a 'yes' that she did not want to say she rolled even further down in the abyss of negating herself. She forgot who she was, her characteristics, her personality, she abandoned herself like their parents did.

Maria could not say no. So she started to say no to herself to find the illusion of some power and control. Maria was self-defeating now. Further down the line, just before killing herself, Maria didn't even know what she liked to eat for breakfast, she did not have any opinions and could not make a decision. She was just begging for love, as always: a manipulating being created out of fear and the desperation of a child who learned to became dishonest to be loved.

Maria was a waisted life, like many. She wanted to die because she was already dead. Maria killed herself one evening, alone. She was 38 year old. She was beautiful. She was amazing. She was just like you, or me, or us. My sweet old friend, Maria, who will always be in my heart.

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