HOW SHAME AND GUILT ARE CONNECTED

We all feel shame, even those who try to avoid feeling it at all costs. Shame is a good feeling, it helps us understand when we have acted against our values, against what we believe is correct, when we have acted with a behaviour that is not always adhering with the idea of justice, but more connected to what we have been told is 'right' from our family or our culture which generally is reflected in our family belief system and drive our actions. Shame is just blame reversed toward the self. If we stop blaming ourselves for being imperfect (or for having made the same mistake over and over again) we will not feel the shame. Because there is not shame to feel if there is not wrong doing.

The problem then is to analyse which are our values, our beliefs and our actions and if they are really something we 'should' really feel shame for.

For example we could feel shame for 'abandoning someone' when separating from a person, or for not 'being helpful' even if we were not asked to help, or for saying 'no' even if we were asked to be helpful; or for not being kind and considerate to others; we could feel shame for being assertive, in a society where for example assertiveness is considered rude; we could feel shame for not performing at our best. Basically we could feel shame for a million different motives but the question is when feeling shameful is 'sane' and when it is not?

A normal consequence of shame is feeling guilty. We've acted in a way that we've judged wrong, and we feel guilty.

In my early years I felt tons of shame and guilt, I was carrying the shame of my mother that she could not feel herself so she made me feel it for her, I had to to feel loved enough to be able to survive; there was so much shame in me that even normal activities would provoke shame and from that shame I was paralysed. Even worse I was paralysed from the fear of feeling the shame.

I was induced to feel guilty because it served others to keep their control. Those were dark years where I knew what was happening and what was done to me but I could not move away or stop feeling that guilt. I was in FOG: Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

Now rare are the occasions I feel guilt or shame, regardless of what others think of me or on how they interpret my behaviour. It is very rare for people to know other people motives and many times people's opinions of others is just a reflection of themselves.

I came to the conclusion that if I act with integrity (being honest, direct and expressing my truth and in doing so validating my feelings and my reality), I cannot really feel shame even if my behaviour creates 'bad feeling to someone else', or even if it goes against what is commonly considered acceptable.

As long as I don't deliberately hurt someone and if my motives are clear from any form of manipulation and dishonesty I can be reassured that 'being myself' is good enough and when acting in this way I am free.

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