THE RULES ABOUT MIRACLES

We were two, but I was the only one hoping for a miracle or praying for one.

Me and you, together, we could not leave our love suspended any longer, it was like a ghost, our love, sitting in our home where I now stay alone, clinging to it like I do, like it is my only left security, like I am glued to it with a big quantity of newly fresh 'No Nails', to the walls, and the doors and the hallways, and the grey view from my back window.

Here where I see you and me and us and our gestures, here where I've heard the silence of our unspoken words; here in the place where I have learned what to love means, the place where, over and over again, I hoped for a miracle; where sometimes I felt so close to it, like it was real, the miracle, but it was a hall of mirrors, and at the end of the tunnel the lights were gone.

Here the place from where I am not wanting to go away from until the date when the keys will be handed to the Estate Agent, until the day my house new owners will take those keys and open the same door I've opened in the last 10 years.

They will open the same door as I did, with anticipation for a new life, as I did; they will open it in the evenings after work, with the same anticipation I felt to meet again the person I was sharing the house with, I was sharing my heart with, and our suspended love; for a person I was dreaming a miracle for.

They will open the door I have opened for 10 years with the same desires I had, maybe too a desire for a miracle. We all desire a miracle sooner or later. I did. And you?

Tonight I am saying good bye to my home, to me and you and to our suspended love; tonight I am sleeping here once more, alone, hoping not having to go, hoping to stay for just another life, another night, another dream, the best one; hoping for a miracle, the only impossible one, because miracles are possible but there is a condition, all persons involved really need to want them.

Apart from rule number 1 just stated above, the other inderogabile rules for a miracle to materialise are:

1. To want a miracle, you must first know you need one. Some of us don't know and never will. For them miracles, or a particular miracle they refuse to need, will never happen because we cannot materialise what we think we do not need, this is how it works;

2. To be wanting a miracle it also means to be humble, just humble enough to know we need a miracle, because we cannot do everything on our own, or without God (which is the same), this is impossible, as impossible as materialising a miracle we think do not need;

3. To be wanting a miracle we need to be self aware of our defects, of our emotional deficiencies, we need to be wanting the miracle to dramatically change us, to make us human again. In other words to be wanting a miracle we need to be honest with ourselves; some of us cannot be, they seems to be born that way;

4. Lastly, for a miracle to happen, we need to have see other miracles happening in our life before, we need to feel grateful for all we have had, especially the negative things because are those who showed us the way to humbleness.

To conclude I have now accepted that this miracle I was hoping for will never happen and I have let the desire and the illusion go. It has been very difficult to let go of self will, as heartbreaking as letting go your child for the first time riding on their bicycle without holding their hand, like letting go of your home and of a suspended love as pale as a ghost and like of letting go of myself and the person I most wanted to be: a love, as big as the universe.

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