A FEW WORDS AND SOME HOPE (I HOPE) ABOUT WHAT WE HARDLY MENTION...

I have heard about two persons (one of them I did not know personally, he was the brother of a good friend) that committed suicide in the last couple of months.

James and Brian. They both hung themselves. One in a closet, the other on tree in his garden.

I think they had at least one thing in common: they had lost hope. Hope that their emotional pain would stop. Hope in the beauty of life. Hope that someone would understand their pain. Hope for a change. Hope for serenity.

I have been there too, long ago. When you are in dilemma, when the pain to stay or the pain to go are both unbearable and you think the only way out is to die, you are wrong, there is a solution.

That place is a terrible place to be because when you feel that way, you have a compulsion to act. It is stronger than you. If you act it is just a moment and then you'll change your mind. A moment you will regret if you go ahead with it and you'll survive. Sometimes the physical consequences will be with you forever.

I had to find professional help to feel the pain, to experience that it was not forever, to know it would go away and by going through it, I changed, I was reborn.

Sometimes you do not have the means and the NHS moves slowly, but it moves, and it is made of people, and many of them are wonderful.

I have learned a lot, I have learned that what I wanted to kill was the emotional pain, not myself. I have learned about the rage I had inside. I have learned of total desperation I felt when I was a child, desperation and hopelessness that was triggered over and over again in my adult life, because I had to feel that pain again to be free from it. This is how life works for people like us.

I have learned that the pain is not unbearable and it will end (whatever choice you make and you'll be strong enough to make THE choice - you'll understand there is only one choice possible - to move towards freedom whatever it costs and whatever you identify it to be - and you'll know there is only one type of freedom from which all freedom comes and expands, and you'll know what it is... and if you want you'll experience it, may you find it now).

I was lucky because when I felt that way I did not have anything to do it without feeling physical pain. I did not want any physical pain so I was terrified of the compulsion to do it. I started to pray for hours on end, prayed to God (or something) to help me, to give the strength no to do it. After a few hours I found the courage to WhatsUp the only friend I knew who told me, long before, she tried to commit suicide.

She helped me. She saved my life. Forever grateful my dear, dear Chantal.

Have you ever thought about ending your life?

If so believe me, there is a solution. The pain will end, if you allow yourself to feel it with the help of someone or more than one person (a professional, some charities, call anyone, just call and listen and open your hearth to hope again and then fight, fight for your life, it is worth it, and you are worth it).

Trust me, I know.

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