We all act, or refrain to act.
Either way we made a decision to move towards something we believe can benefit us, or move away from something we believe will harm us or not benefit us.
Some of us act with self-destructing, self-defeating behaviours. Those of us, sadly, sometimes are aware of their behaviour but unable to change. It is something driving us from inside, like an unstoppable destructive force.
We look at it deploying in front of us, unable to change, like spectators and actors of a tragic movie, we are repeating it over and over again. This causes great pain and in the long term causes a sense of hopelessness that will stop us even from trying to achieve something we desire in the attempt to fulfil our potential.
Sometimes it can also cause self-hate, or at least, self-dislike. A sense of not being good enough that is at the origin itself of the self-defeating behaviour. We start believing we are unable to change the course of our life, that we are doomed to failure and suffering. We lose hope. A tragic point for every human being. But there is hope to change. Sometimes we are humble enough to look for professional help. May you find that humbleness now.
There are many reasons for self-defeating behaviour to occur but one that is very evident is that, as children we tend to internalise our parents voice, the way they see us. As human beings we tend to see in others part of ourselves that we do not like to acknowledge because it feels too painful (for the ego, the pseudo protecting shell we have created out of fear) to see parts of us we dislike so we project them to others. As parents we can do this to our children with dramatic results.
As children we tend to please our parents, they are our only source of love and as children we are dependant from the love of our parents or primary caregivers, so in the vain attempt to receive unconditional love, as adults, if we act from our child part (and we do), we also please the projections (visions of us) of our parents of us.
So, if, for example, we are told that we are unable to do something, we internalise that voice, and when trying to do that thing we will act accordingly to please our parents' vision of us. We will defeat ourselves and out attempt to do that thing. In this process we instinctively know we can do it but we are unable to put it into action.
This is just one of the origins of self-defeating behaviour.
Awareness is the key to progress, but awareness, to occur, as every progress, needs a humbling exercise.
The first act of humility is honesty. Every spiritual progress, which is the origin and the jumping point for progress in every area of our life, starts with honesty.
Being honest in looking at our motives is fundamental; looking at our motives in acting or refraining to act. If the jumping point of our actions (or no-action) is fear and if we humble enough to detect it we are in a very good position. We can start seeing ourself for who we really are. We can stop acting when we act our of fear (fear of not being loved as children - stop self defeating behaviours; fear as looking at our 'character defects' as adults - stop projecting our 'negative self' to others, to our children cause there is no negative self, there only a person acting out of fear and when we act out of fear the results cannot be positive, because we are disconnected from reality when we act out of fear we have lost hope and we try to control our reality).
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