WHAT IS THE ROOT CAUSE OF PEOPLE PLEASING?

Why was I a 'people pleaser' and what I was trying to avoid? How did I stop being a people pleaser?

When I was young I was a people pleaser, it was the most dishonest act I could perform and it was so painful.

Being a 'people pleaser' meant, firstly, being dishonest with myself: I could not say no (I could not find the courage to say no) and I was covering up my total terror of others’ opinion of me, or of their presumed rejection or dislike of me, with a 'fake personality' of being a kind, loving and caring person.

You cannot be loving and caring if you do not love yourself first. You can only fake it!

So, obviously, by being firstly dishonest with myself (in regards of the real motives of my dishonesty) I could not possibly being honest with others.

Secondly by being dishonest I was actually depriving people to feel their feelings and I was manipulating their feelings towards me.

I was depriving people, and especially people close to me, of their freedom to feel their feelings. I was trying to control them.

Thirdly I was manipulating their reaction to me so I was being unable to feel the feelings of rejection, feeling disliked, etc and in doing so I was not allowing myself to grow emotionally.

I was keeping myself in a cage made of fear.

Lastly by being dishonest I was lowering my self esteem since I was saying to myself that I would not be liked or loved for who I was and for what I wanted and needed but I had value only if I was giving people what they needed and wanted.

Change took a long time. It took a leap of faith, it was a big jump in a night without stars, more like a black hole, actually.

When I firstly found the courage to say no I felt really guilty and at the same time I also felt all those feelings i was trying to avoid by pleasing people: fear, terror, rejection, shame.

So I was in a big dilemma: saying yes was awful because I was doing things I really did not want to do and saying no was awful because of the feelings I had to feel when I said no.

Pleasing people took me to do horrible things to myself so I was determined to love and honour myself for the rest of my life.

I carried on saying no, one step at the time, when I felt like it was the right thing for me.

Those feelings of guilt, fear, terror, rejection, shame disappeared very quickly when I started to notice that actually people were accepting my no as a normal behaviour from a normal human being.

With people I was closed with, the change was a shock because they could not understand who they were dealing with, a person who always said yes to something suddenly started to say no.

The change took longer and was more painful for me and the other person.

I had to leave behind those who could not accept a no while I was embracing myself and give value to my needs and wants.

I became the most important person in my life and this is how it is for me right now. In honouring myself I understood what unconditional love is.

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